i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
