I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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