i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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