Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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