This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
