Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
