hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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