I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
