I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
