the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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