He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
