Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
