No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
