I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
