i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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