Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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