I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
