There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
