If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
