We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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