Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
