You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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