went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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