so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
