I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
