If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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