ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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