The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
