This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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