he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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