apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
