she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
