i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
