you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
