Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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