I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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