I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
