she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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