you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
