there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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