I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
