my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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