all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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