marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
