Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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