Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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