Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
