I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
