so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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