someone get that fucking seahorse.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
