That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
