The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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