Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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