We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Come on in and take your pants off
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