Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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