I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
