I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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