I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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