im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
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It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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