You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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