I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
