i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
