Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
